Where To Go From Here???

Lately I feel as if I am on a merry-go-round. The ride is fun, a little dizzying, but I keep wondering where to go from here. I don’t like feeling like my life isn’t going anywhere… It doesn’t matter how much fun I’m having, the point is, will this be satisfying 10 years from now? 5? Or even 1? And the answer is no. I want so much more out of life than what I have right now… And even if I have the opportunity to go out partying and drinking and living it up like all the assholes around here do, I don’t want that.

Is it so wrong to want to get up in the morning, go to work and put in an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay, go home to your family and your significant other, eat dinner at the table, and to cuddle up next to them in the bed every night? That’s the life I want. I want my bills paid on time. I want my kids to have everything they need and most of what they want. I want to be excited to live my day-to-day instead of being excited for Friday night.

I don’t know for sure what I should be doing right now. I don’t know for sure how I feel about all of these thoughts going through my head. What I do know is that something has got to change. So for now, I’m applying for different jobs. For every job that I think will help me gain financial stability. I have a pretty great guy that I’m not trying to rush into anything with, so I’m not going to dive into anything with that right now… Instead, I’m going to work on the part of my life that I have the greatest control over, my work life. After all, when you actually have a love life, that is generally under the control of two people that are making mutual decisions… When one person starts making all the decisions, it’s generally not a good thing.

The problem lies in the fact that I am not really applying for a lot of jobs that are close to me. I have started applying for jobs that are several hours away, and some that are in other states. I know that this may upset some people, but I feel like it may just be what’s best for me in the long run. I know it would definitely be what’s best for my little demons. I want them to have the best in school systems, and that’s just hard to find in this area. I want them to have all the opportunities that I never really had. I want them to play sports, and I want them to compete academically, I want them to be able to do anything that they want to do. In this area, that’s just so hard to find.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the new has worn off and I’m beginning to remember why, as hard as leaving was the first time, I needed to get out of here. The problem is now I’m not only looking for opportunities for myself, I’m looking for opportunities for my children. And, when you have two little crumb snatchers running around, it is so much harder to pick up and start all over again. I’m terrified, but I think it has to be done. I know it has to be done. Not for me as much as for them. They deserve better than what I’m giving them right now. They deserve my best, and I’m not even close to my best right now.